Elliott's Computers

Although not an adult site Elliott's Computer Corner recommends that you be over the age of 18 years to view our jokes & pictures in this section. Parental discretion is advised.

The jokes on this site are meant to be entertaining and funny. This being said it is likely that people of different races, religions, sexual preferences and hair colours amongst others will be offended. This is not our intent. If you are easily offended please leave this section now.

Anyone is free to submit any joke(s) they want. The material provided herein is uncensored and is protected by free speech and does not represent the views of the webmaster, advertisers, owners or servers of this site. By continuing past this warning, you agree to release the webmasters, owners, advertisers, server and creators of this site from any and all liability which might arise.

It is impossible to provide a joke site that would not offend someone sometime. If there are jokes that you find offensive, please ignore them and move on. We apologize in advance.

What's Hillary's position on Roe vs. Wade?

Answer: She doesn't care how people get out of New Orleans.

THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY

My tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

  - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Heard your wife left you,

How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.

  - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

  - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
How could two people as beautiful as you 

Have such an ugly baby?

  - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I've always wanted to have

someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you .

I've changed my mind.

  - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

  - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.

  - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Congratulations on your promotion.

Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

  - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

  - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

  - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
When we were together,

you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

  - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
We have been friends for a very long time .

let's say we stop?

  - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.

  - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

  - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

  - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
So your daughter's a hooker,

and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay.

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A teenager walked up to the

bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red,

orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the teenager

looked, the old man was staring. The teenager finally said sarcastically,

"What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex

with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

A store that sells wives has just opened in Dallas, TX where a man 
may go to choose a wife from among many women. The store is composed
of six floors, and the women increase in positive attributes as the
shopper ascends the flights.

There is however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may 
choose a woman from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot 
go back down except to exit the building. 

So, a man goes to the shopping center to find a wife. On the first floor
the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These women have jobs. 

The man reads the sign and says to himself, "Well, that's better than my 
last girlfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up he goes. 

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These women have jobs and love 
sports. The man remarks to himself, "That's great, but I wonder what's 
further up?" And up he goes again. 

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - these women have jobs, love sports 
and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better" he says. "But I wonder 
what's upstairs?" 

The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These women have jobs, love sports, 
are extremely good looking and do all the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the 
man, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" and again he 
heads up another flight. 

The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These women have jobs, love sports, 
are extremely good looking, do all the housework and don't bitch about 
anything. "Hot Damn!" But just think what must be awaiting me further on?" 
So up to the sixth floor he goes. 

The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - you are visitor 133,956,779,012 to 
this floor. There are no women on this floor. This floor exists solely as 
proof that men are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Wife Mart 
and have a nice day!!

Can I Go Home

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day 
while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim 
suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the 
pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him.

She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act 
she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, 
as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went 
to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad 
news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were 
able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving 
the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act 
displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself right 
after you saved him with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am 
so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, 
I put  him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

A man walked into the Women's Department of Macy's
in New York City

He told the saleslady "I would like a Baptist bra
for my wife, size 36B."

With a quizzical look the saleslady asked?
"What kind of bra?"

He repeated "A Baptist Bra" - She said to tell you that she wanted a 
Baptist Bra, and that you would know what she wanted."

"Ah, now I remember" said the saleslady.
"We don't get as many requests for them as we used to.
Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or
the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian type."

Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked "So, what are the 
differences?" The lady responded. "It is all really quite simple.

The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen,
Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright."

He mused on that information for a minute, and asked
"So, what is the Baptist type for?"

"They," she replied, "make mountains out of molehills."

This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for   her
husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants   her husband to
be buried in a dark blue suit.   He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to
bury him in the black   suit that he's wearing?" But she insists that it
must be a   blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.   When she
comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the   coffin and he is
wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the   director how much she loves
the suit and asks how much it cost.   He says, "Actually, it didn't cost
anything. The funniest thing   happened. As soon as you left, another
corpse was brought in,   this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that
they were about   the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind
if her husband were buried in a black suit.  She said that was   fine with
her.  So, I just switched the heads."

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder
for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.
When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are over-sensitive and 
there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.

My name is Mike...... Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,
Dolores.

When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Dolores to
get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that
we needed. Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to
show her age.

I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home
from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she
has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell
at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets
dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club
so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when 
I hit that door...

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now, it's not
unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do
what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that
they won't clean themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem 
to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

I really think my experience as a teacher helps a lot. I consider telling
people what they ought to do; it's one of my strong points...

Now that she has gotten older, she does seem to get tired so much more
quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she
Says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make
A big issue of this; as long as she finishes up the laundry by the
Next evening, I'm willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need
Something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting, or to Wednesday's or
Saturday's poker club, or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling, or something
like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the
ironing.. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and
ends like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting...

Also, if I had a really good day on the course and it was wet
And muddy, my clubs are a mess, so I let her clean them, you know.....get
The grit off the grips and a little light Brillo on the club faces at a
casual pace. My golf bag is heavy so I lift it out of the trunk for her.
Women are delicate, have weak wrists and can't lift heavy stuff as good as
men. But I did tell her I don't like to be wakened during my after-golf
nap, so rather than bother me, she can put them back in the trunk when 
she's finished.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example,
She will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly
bills during her lunch hour. But boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so 
I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two 
or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.

I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt
her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my 
strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. 
She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try
not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, 
big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as
long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me 
too, and then take her break by my hammock. That way she can talk with me until 
I fall asleep.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support
Dolores. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy.
Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody
Knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism 
of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it 
was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other...

Signed,
Mike

Note:
Mike died suddenly June 3. He was found with a Callaway extra long 50 inch
Big Bertha Driver II rammed up his a**, with only 2 inches of grip showing.
His wife Dolores was arrested, but the all-woman Grand Jury accepted her 
defence that he accidentally sat on it, and died.

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says "You look different. What's with the wooden leg?"

The pirate says, "I was in a fight and got hit by a cannonball, but I'm fine.

The bartender says, "What about the hook at the end of your arm?"

The pirate says, "I got into a sword fight and my hand got cut off. The doctor put the hook on and I've been fine."

Finally the bartender asks, "Last time I saw you, you didn't have that patch over your eye either. What happened?"

The pirate says, "I was looking up in the sky and a bird pooped in it."

A man is sitting in an airliner, which is about to takeoff when 
another man with a Labrador Retriever occupies the two empty seats beside him. 

The Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking
quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they
work for the airline. 
 
The airline rep said, "Don't mind Sniffer; he's a sniffing dog,
the best there is; I'll show you once we get airborne when I put
him to work." 
 
The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the
first man, "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search."
 
Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a
woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts 
one paw on the handler's arm. 

He says, "Good boy."  The airline rep turns to the first man and says, 
"That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of 
this and her seat number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival."

"Fantastic!" replies the first man. 
 
Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs
about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its
seat, and places two paws on the handler's arm. 

The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note
of this and the seat number." 

"I like it!" says the first man. 
 
A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer
goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to
someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and
poops all over the aisle and the seat. 
 
The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a
supposedly well-trained sniffing dog and asks, "What the hell is going on with this stupid dog? 
 
The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!"

Rooster puzzle

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and 

help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to 

get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What's it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets

him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the 

table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, 

then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He

takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have

a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, ".....let's put all these

Corn Flakes back in the box."

THE SKIN GRAFT
A married couple were in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from the buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the  skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.  How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling", he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your  mother kiss you on the cheek."

MARYLANDERS LOVE THEIR CRABS

The day after his wife disappeared in a boating accident, an Ocean City man answered his door to find two grim-faced Maryland State Troopers. "We're sorry Mr. Rice, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Rice shouted.

"We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Rice said, "Give me the bad news first."

 The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the Assawoman Bay near the Rte 90 Bridge."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Rice. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued. "When we pulled her up she had 12 huge blue crabs and 6 good-size blue crabs on her."

Stunned, Mr. Rice demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems:

First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."

T shirt sayings:

1. I childproofed my house, but they still get in.

2. (On the front) 60 is not old.
(On the back) If you're a tree.

3. I'm still hot. It just comes in flashes.

4. At my age, "getting lucky" means finding my car in the parking lot.

5. My reality check just bounced.

6. Life is short, make fun of it.

7. I'm not 50. I'm $49.95 plus tax.

8. Annapolis--A drinking town with a sailing problem.

9. I need somebody bad. Are you bad?

10. Physically pffffffft!

11. Buckle up. It makes it harder for the aliens to snatch you from your
car.

12. I'm not a snob. I'm just better than you are.

13. It's my cat's world. I'm just here to open cans.

14. Earth is the insane asylum of the universe.

15. Keep staring....I may do a trick.

16. We got rid of the kids. The cat was allergic.

17. Dangerously under-medicated.

18. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash, and it's gone.

19. Every time I hear the word "exercise", I wash my mouth out with
chocolate.

20. Cats regard people as warm-blooded furniture.

21. Live your life so that when you die, the preacher will not have to
tell lies at your funeral.

22. In God we trust. All others we polygraph.

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's
a gay bar. "What the heck," he says to himself, I really want
a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's
the name of your penis?"

The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want
is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until
you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is
called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the
end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really
Satisfies.'"

The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will
give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the
man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud,
what's the name of yours?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "Timex."

The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps
on tickin'!"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fellas on his right,
who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what
do you guys call yours?"

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "Ford, because
Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford
lately?"

The guy next to him then says, "I call mine Chevy... Like a
Rock!" and gives a wink.

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before
he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns
to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is Secret.
Now give me a beer."

The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a
puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"

The cowboy says, because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE
FOR A WOMAN!----------

The Real Restroom Story Only a woman will TRULY relate to this (and husbands will better understand...)! My mother was a fanatic about public bathrooms. When I was a little girl, she'd take me into the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then, she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat. Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, NEVER sit on a public toilet seat. Then she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat. By this time, I'd have wet down my leg and we'd have to go home to change my clothes. That was a long time ago. Even now, in my more "mature years, "The Stance" is excruciatingly difficult to maintain, especially when one's bladder is full. When you have to "go" in a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women that makes you think there's a half-price sale on Nelly's underwear in there. So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, who are also crossing their legs and smiling politely. You get closer and check for feet under the stall doors. Every one is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter. The dispenser for the new fangled "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook if there was one but there isn't - so you carefully but quickly hang it around your neck (mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance." Ahhhh, relief. More relief. But then your thighs begin to shake. You'd love to sit down but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance" as your thighs experience a quake that would register an eight on the Richter scale. To take your mind off of your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you would have tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail. Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle, and sliding down, directly onto the insidious toilet seat. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because you're certain that her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get." By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to a fountain that suddenly sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged off to China. At that point, you give up. You're soaked by the splashing water. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket, then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women, still waiting, cross-legged and, at this point, no longer able to smile politely. One kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you are trailing a piece of toilet paper on your shoe as long as the Mississippi River! (Where was it when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this." As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has since entered, used and exited the men's restroom and read a copy of War and Peace while waiting for you. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?" This is dedicated to women everywhere who have ever had to deal with a public restroom (rest??? you've got to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other woman can hold the door and hand you Kleenex under the door.

Cruise Ship Humor

From the Geographically Challenged:

• "We don't like to fly. Do you have any cruises that leave from Las Vegas?"
• "When we cross the Equator, do we lose or gain a day?"
• "I'd like to buy a cruise that begins in Hawaii. Now, I know this may be a stupid question, but how many days would it take me to drive there?"
• "Are there any transatlantic cruises that sail from the West Coast?"
• "We'd like to do a Panama Canal cruise in Alaska this year or maybe Europe."
• "Is it true that some ships are too heavy to go over the Panama Canal?"

From the Cruising Clueless:

• "When does the ship's staff leave the ship at night? And when we're out to sea, how do they get back on board the next morning?"
• "Will I gain twice as much weight on a 14-night cruise than a 7-night cruise?"
• "I know all about the cruise line's gratuity policies. What I'm asking about is how much to tip."
• "Can we flush our toilets while we're in port?"
• "I heard the cruise line lets you rent men to dance with. How long has that been going on?"
• "Can we keep what we win at the ship's casino?"
• "Are all the weights in the gym 'free' or do you have to pay for some of them?"
• "Is it the inside or the outside cabins that have portholes instead of windows?"
• "Do I have to eat every meal in the dining room or can I skip a meal now and then?"
• "What do you do at night on a 5-day cruise?"

Run that by me again?

• "Do I have to take my husband with me or can anyone else sleep in the cabin with me?"
• "Can I get pregnant on a cruise ship?"
• "I've been looking but can't find any Alaska cruises for next December. Can you help me?"
• "What if nobody asks me out on Formal Night?"
• "Do we need to bring our own clothes? I heard the cruise ship rents them."
• "Can you swim with any sports teams other than just the Dolphins?"
• "Where do they keep the horses for the 'horse races' they have?"
• "Do you have any weekend cruises leaving next Monday?"
• "I hear you can get married on a cruise ship. Can you have children, too?"
• "I had an absolutely unforgettable cruise aboard the Royal Carnival Princess. Or was it the Royal Legend? Whatever."

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meierwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up. Finkelstein looks around and ask, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?" They draw straws. Goldberg picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me" Goldberg goes over to the Meierwitz apartment, knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants. Goldberg declares: "Your husband just lost $500 playing poker, and is afraid to come home." "Tell him to drop dead!" says the wife. "I'll go tell him." says Goldberg.

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call  from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole  year ago and I had yet to pay for them. Boy oh boy, did we go around! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I  am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him  just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year... "that in one  year the windows would pay for themselves."    There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I  haven't heard back. Guess I won that stupid argument.

Girls Night Out!

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wakeup, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him. The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him Midnight. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock". When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. shit.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted.

A Woman's Prayer

Dear Lord, I pray for:
Wisdom... to understand a man.
Love...to forgive him
and Patience... for his moods,
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll just beat him to death.

Now That's Politics

I was traveling between Houston and Dallas the other day when a tire blew out. Checking my spare, I found that it too was flat. My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town.

The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the window: "Need a lift?"

"Yes, I sure do," I replied.

"You a Republican or Democrat?" asked the old man.

"Republican," I replied.

"Well, you can just go to Hell," yelled the old man as he sped off.

Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same question. Again, I gave the same answer, "Republican." The driver gave me the finger and drove off.

I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy, since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be few Republicans.

The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Republican or Democrat.

"Democrat!" I shouted.

"Hop in!" replied the blonde.

Driving down the road, I couldn't help but stare at this gorgeous woman in the seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs.

Finally, I yelled: "Please stop the car!"

She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, I jumped out.

"What's the matter?" she asked.

"I can't take it anymore," I replied. "I've only been a Democrat for 5 minutes and already I want to screw somebody."

Semper FI

A pacifist atheist Harvard professor was teaching a college class and, after telling the class that America was a fascist, terrorist nation and it could not be a nation under God as there was no God . . he said he was going to prove it:

"God, if you are real, then knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"

A couple of minutes went by.

He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am, God I'm still waiting."

A few more minutes passed.

The prof continued to hurl epithets toward heaven.

More minutes passed.

The professor continued his taunts.

Finally a Marine just released from active duty, newly registered in the class, and tired of lint-brained tenured twits, stalked up to the podium, hit the professor full force in the face, and sent him flying.

The prof struggled up, obviously shaken and yelled, "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Marine replied simply, "God was busy. He sent me."

All Alone

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell who accidentally ended up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but all was empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared So she yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away....

"We're down here."

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

1. Sag, you're It.

2. Hide and go pee.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Musical recliners.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

OLD IS WHEN:

Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

You don't care where your spouse goes just as long as you don't have to go along.

Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.

Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

THOUGHTS FOR THE WEEKEND:

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping", now I just "chunky dunk".

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever

What does your Daddy do?

Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, etc. David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said David, "He works for the Kerry Campaign, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the others."

Diplomat

An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws.

"You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fella.

Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head. His grandmother knelt down next to him. "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles," she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful!"

The boy looked up, "Really?"

"Of course," said the grandmother. "Why, just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles."

The little boy thought for just a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles."

One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front  of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his  crutches. An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory   to tell the priest what he'd just seen. "Son, you've just witnessed a  miracle," the priest said. "Tell me, where is this man now?" "Flat on  his ass over by the holy water," said the boy.

A teacher in a small Vermont town asks her class how many of them are John Kerry fans.

Not really knowing what a John Kerry fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy.

The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different.

Johnny says, "I'm not a John Kerry fan." The teacher says, "Why aren't you a John Kerry fan?" Johnny says, "I'm a George Bush fan."

The teacher asks why he's a George Bush fan.

The boy says, "Well, my mom's a George Bush fan and my dad's a George Bush fan, so I'm a George Bush fan!"

The teacher is kind of angry, because this IS Vermont, so she asks, "What if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

Johnny says, "That would make me a John Kerry fan."

The Car Salesman

A woman walked into a Lexus dealership to browse, and spotted the most beautiful, perfect "loaded" Lexus. She walked over to inspect it more closely.

As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little burst of flatulence escaped her. Very embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed.

There, standing right behind her, was a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you're gonna shit when you hear the price."

The "Best" President

by Unknown  ( 04/07/2004 )    He may not be perfect, but most politicians aren't. Worst president in history? (The following appeared in the Durham, NC local paper as a letter to the editor. Please forward to all on your list as this will put things in  perspective:) Liberals claim President Bush shouldn't have started this war. They  complain about his prosecution of it. One liberal recently claimed Bush  was  the worst president in U.S. history.    Let's clear up one point: President Bush didn't start the war on terror.    Try to remember, it was started by terrorists BEFORE 9/11. Let's look at  the "worst" president and mismanagement claims.    FDR led us into World War II.  Germany never attacked us: Japan did.  From 1941-1945, 450,000 lives were lost,  an average of 112,500 per year.    Truman finished that war and started one in Korea.  North Korea never attacked us.  From 1950-1953, 55,000 lives were lost,  an average of 18,333 per year.    John F. Kennedy started the Vietnam conflict in 1962.  Vietnam never attacked us.  Johnson turned Vietnam into a quagmire.  From 1965-1975, 58,000 lives were lost,  an average of 5,800 per year.    Clinton went to war in Bosnia without UN or French consent.  Bosnia never attacked us.  He was offered Osama bin Laden's head on a platter three times by Sudan and  did nothing.  Osama has attacked us on multiple occasions.  Over 2,900 lives lost on 9/11.    In the two years since terrorists attacked us,  President Bush has liberated two countries,  rushed the Taliban, crippled al-Qaida,  put nuclear inspectors in Lybia, Iran and North Korea without firing a  shot, captured a terrorist who slaughtered 300,000 of his own people.  We lost 600 soldiers, an average of 300 a year.  Bush did all this abroad while not allowing another terrorist attack at  home.    Worst president in history? Come on!    The Democrats are complaining about how long the war is taking, but...    It took less time to take Iraq than it took Janet Reno to take the Branch Davidian compound. That was a 51 day operation. We've been looking for evidence of chemical weapons in Iraq for less time  than it took Hillary Clinton to find the Rose Law Firm billing records. It took less time for the 3rd Infantry Division and the Marines to destroy  the Medina Republican Guard than it took Teddy Kennedy to call the police  after his Oldsmobile sank at Chappaquiddick.    It took less time to take Iraq than it took to count the votes in  Florida!!!!    Our military is GREAT! PASS IT ON.

New Kittens

John Kerry is out jogging one morning and notices Little Hannah on the corner with a box. Curious, he runs over to Little Hannah and says, "What's in the box, little lady?"

Little Hannah says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens." John Kerry laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?"

"Democrats," says Little Hannah.

"Oh that's cute," he says and goes on his way. A couple of days later, John Kerry is running with his buddy Teddy Kennedy and he spies Little Hannah with her box just ahead.

Sen. Kerry says to Teddy, "You gotta check this out," and they both jog over to Little Hannah. Sen. Kerry says, "Look in the box Teddy, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey, kid, tell my friend Teddy what kind of kittens they are."

Little Hannah replies, "They're Republicans."

"Whoa!" John Kerry exclaims in total surprise. "I came by here the other day and you told me they were Democrats. What's changed?"

"Well," Little Hannah explains, pointing into the box. "their eyes are open now."

NOW YOU KNOW EVERYTHING.

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.
No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class.
Venusis the only planet that rotates clockwise.
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer. So did the first "MarlboroMan."
Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
Pearls melt in vinegar.
The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. (I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)
Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first U.S. president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second? William Jefferson Clinton.
And the best for last..... Turtles can breathe through their butts.
Now you know everything there is to know. Of importance that is.

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to  the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially  embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two retired and fell  asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.   At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am,  I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the  closet to  get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."   "I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend  that we're married."   "Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.   "Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"   After a moment of silence, he farted.

FRIENDS

Are you tired of all those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship:

1. When you are sad - I will help get you drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

6. When you are confused - I will use little words.

7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath...I pledge it till the end. Why?, you may ask Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of two and one of them isn't speaking to you right now anyway.

Remember: A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body. Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.

MARRIED IN HEAVEN

On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This  is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sat and waited for an answer...   ...for a couple of months.  While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"  After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.  "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a  priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?

WHY ARE WE STILL THERE???...it's not what you think

It's time to re-evaluate our involvement.

Every day there are news reports about more deaths. Every night on TV are photos of death and destruction.

Why are we still there?

We occupied this land, which we had to take by force, and it causes us nothing but trouble.

Why are we still there?

Their government is unstable, and they have no leadership.

Why are we still there?

Many of their people are uncivilized, or at least don't speak English.

Why are we still there?

There are more than 1,000 religious sects and almost as many languages and dialects, many of which we don't understand.

Why are we still there?

We can't even secure the borders.

Why are we still there?

They are billions of dollars in debt and it will cost billions more to rebuild, which we can't afford.

Why are we still there?

It is becoming clear.

WE MUST ABANDON CALIFORNIA...

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Cheyenne, Wyoming, awaiting their flights. One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at the University of Wyoming from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes. Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "but now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Wyoming cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and in the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'."

The US Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of Sen. Hilary Clinton to honor her achievements both as senator and as a former First Lady of our nation. In daily use it was discovered that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged Mrs. Clinton, who demanded a full investigation.  After weeks of testing, a special presidential commission made the following determinations:  
* The stamp was in perfect order. 
* There were no problems with the applied adhesive. 
* People were spitting on the wrong side!

One day, while a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water, and she needed the thimble to make her living. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a wooden thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with a silver thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some time later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river. When she cried out, The Lord again appeared and asked her, Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor woman and am not able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said yes to Mel Gibson."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it!

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms--both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin--but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die.

Chicken Problem Why did the chicken cross the road?

GEORGE W BUSH We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either against us or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

HANS BLIX We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road I am now against it!

RALPH NADER The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet that somebody out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars. And when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build a road for chickens to cross.

MARTHA STEWART No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

JERRY FALWELL Because the chicken was gay --- isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the pla! in truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the 'other side'. That's what they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."

DR SEUSS Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY To die in the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together -- in peace.

ARISTOTLE It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX It was an historic inevitability.

RONALD REAGAN What chicken?

CAPTAIN KIRK To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.

SIGMUND FREUD The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES I have just witnessed eChicken2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook -- and internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS Did I miss one?

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of acetaminophen. Aleve is also called naproxen. Amoxil is also called amoxicillin and Advil is also called ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix, and of course, ibepokin.

YOU MAY GET RESULTS AFTER ALL !!

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called -- and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.

4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which goes to show that some problems can actually be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Dear Abby,      

I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas who has recently been diagnosed    as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth and one of my    sisters, who lives in Pflugerville, is married to a transvestite.      

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and    selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two    sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas. I have two brothers, one is    currently serving    a non-parole life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy    in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of    sexual misconduct with his three children.      

I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives    in Longview, She is a part time "working girl". All things considered,    my problem is this. I love my fiancé' and look forward to bringing her    into    the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.      

Should I tell her about my cousin who supports John Kerry for President?      

Signed,      

Worried About My Reputation

Try It -- Go Ahead -- We Dare You!

Enter Mexico illegally. Never mind immigration quotas, visas, international law, or any of that nonsense.

Once there, demand that the local government provide free medical care for you and your entire family. Demand bilingual nurses and doctors.

Demand free bilingual local government forms, bulletins, etc. Procreate abundantly. Deflect any criticism of this allegedly irresponsible reproductive behavior with, "It is a cultural United States thing. You would not understand, pal."

Keep your American identity strong. Fly Old Glory from your rooftop, or proudly display it in your front window or on your car bumper.

Speak only English at home and in public and insist that your children do likewise.

Demand classes on American culture in the Mexican school system.

Demand a local Mexican driver license. This will afford other legal rights and will go far to legitimize your unauthorized, illegal, presence in Mexico.

Insist that local Mexican law enforcement teach English to all its officers.

Good luck! You'll be demanding for the rest of time. Because it will never happen. In Mexico or any other country in the world... Except right here. Land of the Naive.

God Bless America--She needs it.

An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me." "Why not?" he asks. She answers back, "Because I'm dead." The husband says, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another." She says, "No, I'm definitely dead." He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?" "Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."

The Law is the Law

So . . . .

If the US government determines that it is against the law for the words "In God We Trust" to be on our money, then, so be it; And if the Supreme Court determines that it is against the law for the words "under God" to be in the Pledge of Allegiance, then, so be it;

And if the supreme court in their infinite wisdom decides that it is okay to burn the flag which so many of our citizens have given up their lives to protect and honor . . . . so be it !!

And if that same government decides that the "Ten Commandments" are not to be used in or on a government installation, then, so be it.

And since they already have prohibited any prayer in the schools, of which they deem their authority, then so be it.

BUT, YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I'D LIKE?

I'd like my mail delivered on Christmas, Good Friday, Easter and Sundays. I'd like the US Supreme Court to be in session on Christmas, Good Friday and Easter as well as Sundays.

I'd like the Senate and the House of representatives to not have to worry about getting home for the "Christmas Break."

I'm thinking that a lot of my taxpayer dollars could be saved, if all government offices & services would work on Christmas, Good Friday, Easter and Sundays. It shouldn't cost any overtime since those would be just like any other days of the week to a government that is trying to be "politically correct".

This would not affect any "non-governmental" business since everyone else still has the freedom of religion, we could all still enjoy our holidays. So I guess if they continue to bow to the wishes of the few, and if this e-mail gets out to the right people, maybe they would bow to the wishes of the many.

UCLA Women's Study

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she' s more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.

Further studies are expected.

Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of

these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm

just not happy."

"And why is that Eve?"

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"Man? What is that Lord?"

"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain;

all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will

like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him in such a way that he will

satisfy your physical needs.! He will be witless and will revel in childish

things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart as you,

so he will also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's

the catch Lord?"

"Well.....you can have him on one condition."

"And what's that Lord? "

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring..... so you'll have

to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little

secret........ you know, woman to woman."

A few minutes before the services started, the people were seated in   the pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the   Church.      Everyone started screaming and running for an exit, and trampling each   other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.      Soon, everyone had exited the Church except for one elderly gentleman   who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact   that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.      So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"      The man replied, "Yep, sure do."      "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.      "Nope, sure ain't," said the man.      "Don't you realize I can kill you with a single word?" asked Satan.      "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.      "Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, physical   AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.      "Yep," was the calm reply. "And yet you're still not afraid?" asked   Satan.      "Nope."      More than a little perturbed, Satan asked: "Well, why aren't you afraid   of me?      The man calmly replied. "Been married to your sister for over 48  years."

While visiting his niece, an elderly man had a heart attack.

The woman drove wildly to get him to the emergency room.

After what seemed like a very long wait, the E.R. doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face. Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid that your uncle's brain is dead, but his heart is still beating."

Oh, dear, cried the woman, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock, "We've never had a Democrat in the family before!"

The husband had finished his book, "Man Of The House", by the time he reached home. He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife, pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!"

"You are to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished  eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going  to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and  comb my hair?"

 "The funeral director?," asked his wife.

Top Ten Polite Ways To Say Your Zipper Is Down by David Letterman ...

10. The cucumber has left the salad.

9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

7. Paging Mr. Johnson...Paging Mr. Johnson.

6. Elvis has left the building.

5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantaloons.

2. Men may be from Mars...but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.

And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....

He Said She Said

10) He said..I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said...You wear pants, don't you?

9) She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk? He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

8) He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly. She said...Well, you succeeded.

7) He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king!' She said...'Two inches less, and you would be queen.'

6) On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere.." Written just below it: "I do not."

5) He said... "Shall we try swapping positions tonight?" She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."

4) Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.' She said...'Who's gonna look?'

3) He said.. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat b*stard.

2) He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight. She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on.

1) He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm? She said...I would, but you're never there.

CALLING IN SICK

Employee....."I'm sorry but I can't come in today.. My doctor says I suffer from Anal Glaucoma."  

Boss........"Anal Glaucoma? What's that?"

Employee...."I just can't see my ass coming to work!"

ONCE A BAPTIST---- ALWAYS A BAPTIST

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill.

Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore.

They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic."

The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved. The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill.

The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent?

The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."

The Ant and the Grasshopper - old and new version

OLD VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!

MODERN VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. CBS, NBC, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green." Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake. Tom Daschle & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share." Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for  failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients during his administration. The ant loses the case. The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by  a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Vote Republican

The Garbage Disposal

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.

The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"

There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances.

No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs.

She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a fight or flight syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option.

I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-here, done-that" paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter.... ... and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all.

A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury.

I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about. Which it was.

"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"

If they only knew!

MIDEAST MYSTERY?

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.

Let's see now:

No Jesus, No Wal-Mart, No television, No cheerleaders, No baseball, No football, No basketball, No hockey, No golf, No tailgate parties.

No Home Depot.

No pork BBQ, No hot dogs, No burgers, No lobster, No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks, No gumbo, No jambalaya.

More than one wife.

Rag for clothes and towels for hats. Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors. Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.

No chocolate chip cookies.

No Christmas.

You can't shave. Your wives can't shave. You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.

The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.

Your bride is picked by someone else. She smells just like your donkey, but your donkey has a better disposition.

Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!

I mean, really,

"IS THERE A MYSTERY HERE" ??

If dogs wrote letters to God Dear God, Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God, When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God, Why arethere cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?

Dear God, If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God, We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God, More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God, When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God, Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God, Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog: - I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up. -

I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell. -

I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food. -

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. -

The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps. - The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff. -

My head does not belong in the refrigerator. -

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration. -

I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet. -

Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying 'hello.' - I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table. -

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house. -

I will not throw up in the car. -

I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet. -

I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over. -

The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

Dear God,

May I have my testicles back?

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words:

"Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING?? A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!! In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellllllooooooo!)

8. THE GRAND FINALE Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

... Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

MILITARY RULES FOR THE NON-MILITARY

We know that the current state of affairs in our great nation have many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military. For those of you who can't join, you can still lend a hand. Here are a few of the areas we would like your assistance:

1) The next time you see an adult talking (or wearing a hat) during the playing of the National Anthem ... kick their ass.

2) When you witness firsthand someone burning the American Flag in protest ... kick their ass.

3) Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest amount of respect to all veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise, quietly pull them aside and explain how these Veterans fought for the very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many sacrifices these Veterans made to make this Nation great. Then hold them down while a Disabled Veteran kicks their ass.

4) (GUYS) If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that you were. Wearing battle dress uniforms (BDU's), telling others that you used to be "Special Forces," and collecting GI Joe memorabilia, might have been okay if you were still seven. Now, it will only make you look stupid and get your ass kicked.

5) Next time you come across an Air Force member, do not ask them, "Do you fly a jet?" Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such ignorance deserves an ass kicking (children are exempt).

6) If you witness someone calling the U.S. Coast Guard non military, inform them of their mistake...and kick their ass.

7) Roseanne Barr's singing of the National Anthem is not a blooper...it was a disgrace and disrespectful. Laugh, and sooner or later your ass will be kicked.

8) Next time Old Glory (U.S. flag) prances by during a parade, get on your damn feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your heart. Quietly thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be carrying her...of course, failure to do either of those could earn you a severe ass kicking.

9) What Jane Fonda did during the Vietnam War makes her the enemy. The proper word to describe her is "traitor." Just mention her nomination for "Woman of the Year" and get your ass kicked.

10) Don't try to discuss politics with a military member or a veteran. We are Americans and we all bleed the same regardless of our party affiliation. Our Chain of Command, is to include our commander in Chief. The President (for those who didn't know) is our CIC regardless of political party. We have no inside track on what happens inside those big important buildings where all those representatives" meet. All we know is that when those civilian representatives screw up the situation, they call upon the military to go straighten it out. The military member might direct you to Oliver North. (I can see him kicking your ass already.)

11) "Your mama wears combat boots" never made sense to me ... stop saying it! If she did, she would most likely be a vet and therefore, could kick your ass!

12) Bin Laden and the Taliban are not communists, so stop saying "Let's go kill those Commie's!!!" And stop asking us where he is!!!! Crystal balls are not standard issue in the military. That reminds me ... if you see anyone calling those damn psychic phone numbers; let me know, so I can go kick their ass.

13) Flyboy (Air Force), Jar Head (Marines), Grunt (Army), Squid (Navy) etc, are terms of endearment we use describing each other. Unless you are a service member or vet, you have not earned the right to use them. That could get your ass kicked.

14) Last but not least, whether or not you become a member of the military, support! our troops and their families. Every Thanksgiving and religious holiday that you enjoy with family and friends, please remember that there are literally thousands of sailors and troops far from home wishing they could be with their families. Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they make every day. Without them, our country would get its ass kicked.

- "It is the soldier, not the reporter who has given us the freedom of the press.

- It is the soldier, not the poet, who has given us the freedom of speech.

- It is the soldier, not the campus organizer, who gives us the freedom to demonstrate.

- It is the soldier who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag, who allows the protester to burn the flag."

(Authored by:) Father Dennis Edward O'Brien, Sergeant, USMC

(Please pass this on so I won't have to kick your ass!)

What an awesome story....

DINNER ALONE

I was sitting alone in one of those loud, casual steak houses that you find all over the country. You know the type--a bucket of peanuts on every table, shells littering the floor, and a bunch of perky college kids racing around with longneck beers and sizzling platters.

Taking a sip of my iced tea, I studied the crowd over the rim of my glass. My gaze lingered on a group enjoying their meal. They wore no uniform to identify their branch of service, but they were definitely "military:" clean shaven, cropped haircut, and that "squared away" look that comes with pride.

Smiling sadly, I glanced across my table to the empty seat where my husband usually sat. It had only been a few months since we sat in this very booth, talking about his upcoming deployment to the Middle East. That was when he made me promise to get a sitter for the kids, come back to this restaurant once a month and treat myself to a nice steak. In turn he would treasure the thought of me being here, thinking about him until he returned home to me.

I fingered the little flag pin I constantly wear and wondered where he was at this very moment. Was he safe and warm? Was his cold any better? Were my letters getting through to him? As I pondered these thoughts, high pitched female voices from the next booth broke into my thoughts. "I don't know what Bush is thinking about. Invading Iraq. You'd think that man would learn from his old man's mistakes. Good lord. What an idiot! I can't believe he is even in office. You do know, he stole the election." I cut into my steak and tried to ignore them, as they began an endless tirade running down our president. I thought about the last night I spent with my husband, as he prepared to deploy. He had just returned from getting his smallpox and anthrax shots. The image of him standing in our kitchen packing his gas mask still gives me chills. Once again the women's voices invaded my thoughts. "It is all about oil, you know. Our soldiers will go in and rape and steal all the oil they can in the name of 'freedom'. Hmph! I wonder how many innocent people they'll kill without giving it a thought? It's pure greed, you know." My chest tightened as I stared at my wedding ring. I could still see how handsome my husband looked in his "mess dress" the day he slipped it on my finger. I wondered what he was wearing now. Probably his desert uniform, affectionately dubbed "coffee stains" with a heavy bulletproof vest over it. "You know, we should just leave Iraq alone. I don't think they are hiding any weapons. In fact, I bet it's all a big act just to increase the president's popularity. That's all it is, padding the military budget at the expense of our social security and education. And, you know what else? We're just asking for another 9-ll. I can't say when it happens again that we didn't deserve it." Their words brought to mind the war protesters I had watched gathering outside o